


in the last moments when we all turn to dust (who picks up after us, who is it that's left?)

by namedawesome



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Erin don't read this its too sad!!!!!!, F/M, Lots of Crying, Maze gets Mad, Mentions of Suicide, Not Really A Happy Ending, also theres actual drug use, both the characters and you, kind of a suicide attempt, like you guys might hate me after this one, mentions of drug use, not really anything happy about this fic actually, this is not fluff guys, this is... im sorry for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namedawesome/pseuds/namedawesome
Summary: Lucifer was numb. He was… There was nothing left for him here now, but he couldn’t… She had just finished bleeding on him, and he was…
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, Dan Espinoza & Lucifer Morningstar, Ella Lopez & Linda Martin, Ella Lopez & Lucifer Morningstar, Linda Martin & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Linda Martin & Mazikeen (Lucifer TV), Mazikeen & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Trixie Decker & Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 51
Kudos: 133





	in the last moments when we all turn to dust (who picks up after us, who is it that's left?)

Lucifer was numb. He was… There was nothing left for him here now, but he couldn’t… She had just finished bleeding on him, and he was… 

She’d stopped breathing. She’d stopped breathing and it felt like he had too. He knew someone was trying to pry his arms off of her, but he wouldn’t let go. She’d died on him, her blood was all over him, and he couldn’t… He didn’t want to… 

He had already torn the person responsible apart. He had practically ripped the murderer’s arm off, had almost killed the man when Chloe had called out to him, and he knew he would be asked about it, but just now, he was numb. All of the feeling had flowed out of him just like her blood that covered his arms, his suit, his hands… 

As soon as someone had managed to take the Detective, his Detective, from him and put her into a body bag, he went from numb to hollow. He couldn’t feel anything anymore, didn’t want to feel anything ever again. He looked down at his hands, covered in blood, her blood, and if he were the type to pray he’d ask for her back, but he wasn’t and she… she was… he’d never see her again, he knew. He’d seen Azrael, had begged her to let Chloe stay, to “Please, please, Azrael, I’ll never ask you anything ever again, please just let her stay, please! Don’t take her from me, Azrael, please, don’t! You can’t, Rae-Rae, please don’t, please!”, panicked tears in his eyes as she took her from him and he… 

He had been left shattered before his Detective, before his sister, his father, and anyone else who cared to look. Someone must have shoved him in a car and brought him to his penthouse. He didn’t remember the drive over; he didn’t remember getting in the elevator and he wasn’t sure if it was why Ella was standing in front of him now. She was speaking, and her mouth was moving, and he wasn’t hearing a word she was saying, he didn’t care. He just stared at her.

He didn’t know what happened next, just knew that Ella had left, he had lost his clothes somewhere, and Chloe, his Chloe, was gone. He looked down at his hands and saw them, still caked in her blood, he had stains of it all over his skin, and he was… he couldn’t bring himself to wash it off. He sat down where he stood, staring at his hands. Her blood on his hands. 

He didn’t know he was crying until someone placed a hand on his shoulder and he flinched away. He didn’t dare wipe his face with his hands or arms just… he let his tears fall and when Linda knelt in front of him he barely reacted. He looked back down at the blood, caked and drying on his hands, under his fingernails, all over him, even in his hair. He couldn’t bring himself to wash it off. It was hers, and he wanted to… he didn’t want to wash it off. 

“Lucifer,” Linda said, and he didn’t react, but he heard her. “We need to get you cleaned up,” she told him and when she grabbed his arm to pull him up he just stayed there. “Come on, Lucifer, you need to get clean,” she tried again.

This time… this time, he responded, voice ragged and raw and broken, just like he felt, “No… I need my Detective…” Because it was true, because he needed her, and she wasn’t here, and she never would be ever again and he just… he needed her. So he pulled his arm out of the Doctor’s grasp and laid down on the floor. He couldn’t move anymore, he didn’t want to move, didn’t want to do anything without her. He didn’t see Linda standing over him with tears running down her face, he didn’t see her pull her phone out, and he didn’t hear that she had called Amenadiel. 

He didn’t know how much time passed, but Amenadiel had arrived, he took one look at Lucifer and he dragged him off the ground and to his feet. As soon as he realized where Amenadiel was taking him he started fighting back. “No! I can’t!” he shouted, tears streaming down his face and his voice as raw and as broken as it had been earlier. 

“Luci, you need to clean yourself up,” Amenadiel told him, gently. 

“No,” he almost whimpered, “you can’t… I’m… It’s all I have left of her, you can’t… Please, ‘Menadiel, don’t… don’t make me…”

Amenadiel’s stoic face softened into sadness and he clasped his younger brother on the shoulder. “Oh, Luci,” he sighed, but then he grabbed Lucifer around the waist and bodily dragged him into the bathroom to the shower. Lucifer was screaming and cursing and fighting against Amenadiel with all that he had, wings and all (broken tiles and glass and plastic soap bottles littered the bathroom). It was her blood and it was on his hands and it was the last thing she gave him, and he wanted… he wanted his Detective back but he… he could never have her. He stilled as he watched the blood trail off of his skin and down the drain. He sagged, losing any and all fight as the blood was rinsed off of him. He’d lost it, lost her and what was the point anymore, so he just… he just laid there on the shower floor and waited until Amenadiel was done with him, was done taking her from him.

He must have lost time again because the next thing he knew he was dressed in a different pair of silk boxers and was sitting on the edge of his bed. He was staring in the general direction of Linda and Amenadiel, he could see that they were talking to each other and he knew it was about him, but… she was gone, and he didn’t care. He just wanted her back. He would never get her back, he knew, but just like he always had, he wanted. He wanted something he could never have, and wasn’t it almost poetic that he would always be wanting?

He sat there, knowing he wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t be able to do anything. He was just… there was nothing left for him, and that there never would be ever again. He didn’t- he couldn’t even bring himself to go back to hell, or even to try to get her from heaven. He was just… he had nothing left… So when Linda and Amenadiel decided that they could leave him, that he wouldn’t do anything stupid, he just… he just sat there. He knew that Linda had wanted to stay, wanted to make sure that he would be okay, he couldn’t bring himself to care about either outcome. It was like he felt nothing, like there was nothing for him to feel anymore. 

He wasn’t aware of anything. He didn’t know time was passing and when Linda showed up again he was sure it had only been a few minutes. She stood in front of him and she was talking, but he couldn’t… it didn’t matter what she was saying because Chloe was gone, and he was still here and there was nothing that mattered anymore. His mind kept cycling back to her, back to the fact that she’d been taken, and it hurt, he knew it did, but he couldn’t feel it. 

The elevator dinged again, and Linda looked over, but he just didn’t care. Ella popped up next to Linda and the two hugged teary eyed. And normally, he’d offer comfort, he would… but now… now all he wanted was to have his Detective back. Ella tried to hand him his phone, he saw it in front of him, but he couldn’t make himself grab it. He just kept staring at it and when he didn’t grab it Ella set it on the bed next to him. 

“Is he okay?” Ella asked Linda. He wanted to say that he wasn’t, that he never would be again, not without the Detective, but his mouth wouldn’t move. 

Linda sighed, “I don’t know… He hasn’t spoken since Amenadiel helped him clean up.”

And at that, his face scrunched up and he let out a destressed sound. Their attention snapped to him and he looked down at his hands and made that sound again, like his heart was breaking. Ella asked him what was wrong, and he made himself respond, voice rough and still raw from the screaming he did the night before, “It was all I had left of her…” His eyes burned, but the tears wouldn’t fall, and he looked at his hands, now clenching so tightly that his knuckles were white. 

“What was?” Ella asked. She placed her hand on his shoulder and normally he’d pull away after a few seconds, but what did it matter anymore?

“He made me clean it off and it was all I had left of her,” he told her simply. He still hadn’t looked at either of them. Couldn’t bring himself to.

Linda gasped and sighed out a little sob. “The blood. Her blood, that’s what he means…” she whispered. “Last night he begged Amenadiel not to…” she sighed out another little sob. “He fought Amenadiel so hard… Destroyed the bathroom…”

“Oh, Lucifer,” Ella sighed with tears in her eyes. She leaned down and rested her forehead against his shoulder in a sort of pseudo hug. They were silent for a long moment. “Lucifer can you stand up for me, buddy?” Ella asked. 

He couldn’t bring himself to move, so he stayed where he was. He couldn’t talk. He didn’t want to, didn’t see the point because Chloe was gone. He heard Ella sigh again, knew he’d disappointed her (he hadn’t, she just didn’t know how to stop him from being this broken), but he just… There wasn’t a point anymore. He couldn’t… he didn’t want to live anymore and the only way he could be killed now was… but what was the point? He just… he wanted her back.

“Lucifer, come on…” Ella pulled at his arm. “You were hurt yesterday, and I need to check it again.”

“She’s gone,” he replied, and he heard Linda sob one more time.

“Lucifer,” Ella said firmly, but he didn’t move.

“She’s gone, Ella,” Lucifer sighed and sat up as she’d asked him. “She’s gone so I’m not hurt…”

Ella frowned at him and examined his side where the wound should be. “There’s nothing there…” she whispered in wonder.

Lucifer didn’t bother responding. He just stared into nothing and wished harder than he’d ever wished for anything that he’d be able to see her one last time. The only way he ever could, would be if he took on his father and siblings again. The thought was tempting, and since he had his wings back… He’d give up his freedom, his life, to see her face just one more time. 

He could. There was nothing left for him here… He’d have to say goodbye to all his friends and… well, he’d have to change his will. He’d put everything in Beatrice’s name, it’s what the Detective would’ve wanted. He stood abruptly, and turned on his cell phone, bringing it up to his ear as he dialed the number for his lawyers. Linda and Ella were looking at him strangely, but he ignored them and focused on what he was trying to do. He made an appointment efficiently. He could feel Ella and Linda looking at him, but he paid them no mind. He had to plan his attack. He knew it wasn’t something he would usually do, but if this was going to be a successful campaign, then every detail had to be perfect. He knew that when he got there, his father and the rest of his family would immediately try to send him back down to Hell. He wouldn’t let them until he saw his Detective, his Chloe. He just… he just wanted to hold her again… just wanted to hear her voice one last time. There was nothing for him here, and the only thing for him there was her.

He just wanted one last moment. One last something before he was sent back down to Hell and kept there for the rest of eternity. He wouldn’t fight after he saw her. He would go where they wanted him to and stay where they put him. He knew he wouldn’t have the energy to do much else besides lay there and let the other demons pick him apart over and over and over again. 

He wondered briefly if he could ask Mazikeen to watch over the urchin for him, keep her safe in a way he couldn’t keep her mother. Asking never hurt anyone, and he decided that, yes, he would ask at the very least. The small, sticky human deserved to be looked after, and he’d have to say goodbye to her after all. He hoped she’d understand… he couldn’t be here, on earth, in a world where her mother wasn’t.

“Lucifer?” he heard Linda ask as if she were very far away. 

“Doctor, I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to a meeting with my lawyers tomorrow,” he told her, his voice sounded far away to him, like Linda’s was, and he figured it was a part of this whole reaction his body was seeming to have to… to the Detective’s… to the situation.

He knew it was real, but it didn’t feel like it was. It felt far away, and it just kept stabbing him through the heart whenever he remembered which was every other minute. He couldn’t quite hear her reply, but somehow he knew she’d agreed.

He turned to Ella and asked to speak with her in private. He could tell that they thought this abrupt turn around was strange, but he hoped they might brush it off. When Linda left them alone, Lucifer turned to Ella and said, “You’ve been very kind to me, my dear Ella… Much more so than I’m sure I deserve…” He gave her a small, genuine smile. “But I wanted to thank you for being my friend…”

“You never need to thank me for that, Lucifer,” Ella told him, and she leaned into his side as if to hug him without using her arms. 

He let her lean and after a long moment he asked her, “Could you call Daniel for me and ask to talk to Beatrice? I don’t think that he’d want to hear from me… He already blames me for Charlotte… and now…Well…” he huffed out a helpless, hopeless, empty laugh. “I’ve killed the Detective as well…”

“Lucifer, no!” Ella almost yelled at him. “You didn’t kill her!”

He knew he wouldn’t convince her it was his fault, he knew it was, Daniel knew it was, but he had to talk to Beatrice, to ask if there was anything she wanted to tell her mother. The little urchin had been so very kind to him, this was the least he could do. “Regardless, my dear, would you please?” he asked on a sigh.

He watched as she called Daniel and his attention wavered while she spoke to the man himself and he almost missed her handing him the phone. He made himself pay attention to the little girl on the other end. “Hello?” her little voice wavered just a little and he was reminded of the Detective when she cried. 

“Hello, urchin,” he said, much gentler than he normally would have. 

“Lucifer?” the little girl asked on a sniffle, and for the first time in his life he wanted comfort this child to the best of his abilities. 

“Yes, darling,” he told her. “I… I’m very sorry… a-about-”

“It’s not your fault, Lucifer… It was a bad man,” she sniffled again.

He took a deep breath, and steeled himself, “You know the truth about me, don’t you?”

“That you’re the Devil,” she said it like it was a fact to her.

“Yes,” he told her. He knew Ella was standing next to him and he was a little hesitant. “I’m going to visit her, and I wondered… would you like me to tell her anything?” He felt Ella grab at his arm but ignored her as she pulled on it, trying to get his attention.

“Is she in heaven?” Beatrice asked, and his heart… his heart was breaking again just for her, just like it had when his sister had taken Chloe from him.

Lucifer cleared his throat and managed thickly, “Of course she’s in heaven, little darling. She’d never go anywhere else…”

“Can you tell her that I love her, and I miss her…” Trixie started crying steadily over the phone and for the first time in his life he wished he was there for her. “…and that-that I wish I could come and see her too?”

“I’ll tell her, love,” he told her. He let some tears run down his face. 

“Can you give her something from me too?” Trixie asked, her voice trembling.

“I can certainly try,” Lucifer told her wiping away his tears and accidentally tugging his arm out of Ella’s grasp. 

He made arrangements to meet the little girl after her father went to bed that night and then he found himself sitting on the floor next to the bed asking her about how she was doing. He let more tears slip down his face as he listened to the little girl tell him about how school had been yesterday, until she remembered that it had been the day she’d been told about her mother and then she trailed off into silence. “I want a hug from my mommy, Lucifer…” she told him so quietly that he might have missed it if he’d been anyone but himself.

“I know you do, my darling…” he whispered, his voice still rough. 

“Will you bring one back for me?” she asked.

And here, here he sobbed just once as his heart broke for about the fifth time that day, thrice because of the little girl he was on the phone with. “I’ll do my utmost to bring one back to you, Beatrice Decker,” his voice was thick, and he knew he couldn’t take it any longer. “I’ve got to go now, Spawn… Be good for your m… for your father, won’t you?” He hung up as soon as she let him, and he handed the phone to Ella as he rested his head on the bed behind him. “Thank you, Ella…” He was exhausted and all he wanted to do was lie down but he needed to plan his infiltration and now his return to give Beatrice her mother’s hug.

“No problem, Lucifer,” Ella whispered to him. She was surprised when he stood and brought her into one of the best hugs she’d ever had in her life. “Are you gonna be okay?” she whispered to him.

He gave her a smile that held only sadness. “Ella Lopez, you are truly good… I am proud to know you,” he said. With a sigh, he placed a kiss to her forehead and walked to his closet to get dressed. He decided on one of his darker three-piece suits, the deep black one that he would usually wear a pop of color with… he almost goes for a white shirt, but… but he remembered the one time that Chloe accidentally told him that she liked the dark suit with a dark blue shirt. It had been on a stakeout and he knew she’d been exhausted because she’d let him drive her home and hadn’t even made him promise to follow the speed limit (he had, because he knew it was what she would’ve wanted him to do, and she’d fallen asleep in the car and now he regretted never carrying her up to her bed because the last and only memory of her in his arms was when he was trying to get Azrael to just give her back to him…). 

He finished off the look with a deep blue pocket square, and when he walked out of the closet Linda and Ella were waiting for him. “Lucifer, Ella and I don’t think you should be left alone again…” Linda told him. 

“If you’d prefer it that way, Doctor. Who will be accompanying me today?” he asked as he breezed by them. “I’ve a few stops to make before coming back here to start planning.”

“Planning?” Ella asked, like she was afraid to (and he didn’t know she thought he meant his suicide, to go see Chloe again as he’d told the little urchin). 

“My attack, dear Ella,” he said.

“Attack?” Linda asked, and he knew she was confused, but part of him didn’t care. 

“On heaven, Linda dearest,” he sighed. “Now, I really have to go pick up some cocaine, so perhaps one of you could decide who’s coming with me.”

“Lucifer, buddy, that’s not… you probably shouldn’t try to… cocaine isn’t a great…” Ella started to say, and she was following him out into the elevator at a fast pace. 

“It’ll keep me awake, Miss Lopez, and that’s all I need. I have an attack to plan, after all, and Beatrice would be awfully disappointed in me if I wasn’t able to return to give her a hug from her mother, wouldn’t she?” he asked. “So, everything has to be perfect.”

“Lucifer, wouldn’t that trigger the apocalypse?” Linda asked, her eyes a little wild and worried.

“Only if I were to release the four horsemen, Doctor,” he replied as he let the elevator doors slide closed. 

He was content to ride in silence, but it seemed that Ella was not. “Lucifer, I don’t understand! Why does Linda think you can start the apocalypse?” she asked. “She’s a therapist! Did you brainwash her?” There was a short pause. “Can you brainwash people?”

“I’m not a Jedi,” he scoffed almost on reflex, and then he froze, placing his hand against the side of the elevator to keep himself upright. His first case with the Detective flashed through his memory in great detail. His chest ached for a long moment and it took Ella placing a hand on his arm to knock him out of it. The entirety of their partnership had been flashing through his mind and it was almost enough to bring him to his knees. He wished he had more time with her, and he knew that if he dwelled on it for too long, he’d shut down like he had earlier.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ella whispered after a long moment of silence. 

Lucifer looked down at her and gave her another one of his sad smiles. “Ella, the only way I could ever be ‘okay’ were if the Detective…” he paused as the now permanent lump in his throat grew. He swallowed loudly against it a few times until he could continue, “If she were still… still alive…” There was a moment of silence between them but as soon as the elevator opened, Lucifer motioned for her to follow him to the garage. 

He drove them to his usual dealer, but he had Ella stay in the car. He returned to the car with the biggest block she’d ever seen, if the look on her face told him anything. “And that’s for how long?” Ella asked. 

“The next few days, dear Ella,” he smirked. “I don’t know how long planning this attack will take, my dear. Especially since the… since Beatrice asked me to return…” he stared at his hands on the wheel for a long moment. Long enough for Ella to place a hand on his arm. “I shouldn’t have called the little urchin, I suppose, but… the… the Detective would’ve wanted to…”

“She would have,” Ella told him. “But I really don’t think killing yourself is the way to go about that, Lucifer…”

Lucifer tilted his head at her in confusion. “Who said anything about dying, my dear Ella?” he asked, and he could tell by the look on her face that she was more than a little confused. “I’ll not be dying, my dear,” he said, “I’ll be storming the gates of heaven.”

“Lucifer, I know you’re a method actor, but maybe this is…” Ella started, and then she stalled.

Lucifer scoffed. “I’m not a method actor, my dear, I am the Devil. I’ve told you so and if you really don’t believe me, then you can ask Linda. She knows everything.”

Ella just stared at him with a furrowed brow. He drove much faster than he usually would, and he thought he might have scared Ella. With both the driving and the Devil talk. He couldn’t bring himself to be overly concerned about it either way. They made it back to Lux and Ella insisted on not leaving him alone, so she came up to the penthouse with him. Amenadiel and Linda were there, waiting for him.

“Brother,” Amenadiel said, watching him warily. 

“Amenadiel, here to help with the siege?” he asked, hoping for a reaction.

Amenadiel paused, “Siege?” 

“Yes, brother, the siege on heaven so I can talk to the Detective one last time,” he said, like it was obvious. “I promised Beatrice that I’d bring her back a hug from her mother, so every detail must be perfect.”

“Lucifer, you can’t lay waste to heaven!” 

“I am the Devil!” Lucifer screamed, suddenly. Linda and Ella ducked away from the infernal power he felt coursing through him, and he wanted to regulate it, but he couldn’t help it. He grabbed Amenadiel by the throat and lifted him. “I can do whatever I please! You can either help me or get out!”

As soon as Amenadiel was put down, he shook his head and walked away. Lucifer didn’t need his help, and he certainly didn’t need a lecture. He pulled out his cocaine, made himself a few lines and did them all in a row very quickly. 

“Lucifer,” Linda started, “maybe slow down just a little?”

“No time to waste, Linda, darling, there’s so much I’ve got to account for and not much time to do it in,” he said. “There’s Michael to consider, but he only won last time, because I’d been captured first…” He set up a few more lines as he spoke.

“Lucifer, maybe you wanna… calm down with the cocaine?” Ella suggested. She sounded worried as Lucifer took another line. “You could have an overdose…”

Lucifer laughed out loud at that. “Ella, dear, Chloe is _dead_. Nothing on earth can kill me, except for Maze, but only then with her demon blades.” Lucifer leaned back and sighed in pleasure as the cocaine finally started to work. “I could snort all of this right now, and I’d only be high.” Both Ella and Linda gaped at him, so he went deeper into the Library and found the maps of heaven he’d used last time he’d attacked his Father’s home. He was already starting to feel the adrenalin rush through him. It wouldn’t last long, but that was why he’d bought so much cocaine. “Here we are!” he exclaimed, setting the maps on his piano. He unrolled them and weighted down the corners with various objects (an empty tumbler, a tumbler with more than a few fingers of scotch in it, an unopened kilo of cocaine, and his phone). “Last time I attacked from the… the cloudy bit,” he muttered to himself. “I’ll have to storm the gates this time, of course… Not that there will be much storming…”

“Why?” Linda asked.

“Hmm?” Lucifer responded, crossing his arms and staring at the map. It was like he hadn’t actually heard what Linda had asked him. 

“Why won’t there be much storming?”

“I can’t storm something with just myself,” he scoffed with an air of disbelief. “I’ll have to sneak in and take them by surprise.” He sighed. “Or, rather, just sneak in and sneak out. Unquestionably harder, but less of a mess.”

“Lucifer, I don’t think this is…” Ella started, but then she trailed off as he raised a brow at her. 

He frowned down at his map, and turned, rummaging behind the bar for a moment and emerging with a marker. He came back to the piano and sighed as he started to mark the places that he could sneak in. “I suppose that having them chase me out wouldn’t be too bad,” he sighed. “They wouldn’t hurt the offspring, so if I got to her quick enough…” he sighed, and growled to himself, “but they wouldn’t hesitate to hurt me…”

Linda and Ella watched him for a while, he could feel that they were. “You promised her a hug?” Ella suggested. 

He blinked, “Oh… But that would be… they’d try to take her from me. They wouldn’t be able to, but I don’t think Daniel would appreciate the intrusion.” Linda and Ella shared a look and he grinned, still hyped up on a lot of cocaine. “That’s never stopped me from bothering Daniel before, only the De-” he cut himself off, the grin slipping off of his face. He sat down at the piano, his hands on the keys (a habit more than anything) but he didn’t start playing anything. He was just empty. A hand landed on his shoulder and he flinched. Linda was standing next to him now. “I… Sorry, Doctor, where was I?” he asked trying to force a smile. 

“Trixie,” she supplied. 

“Yes,” he sighed, “yes… I suppose that’s what I’ll have to do… They won’t harm a small human…” He looked over to the balcony, a little at a loss for words. He had figured out the base plan very quickly, but he would have to plan everything as carefully as possible. And he would have to do everything in code, because he was sure that Amenadiel would try to stop him. “I would appreciate if neither of you said anything to Amenadiel about this part of the day,” he sighed. “He would tell me that I’m not allowed in the Silver City any longer, and that I should listen to Father and respect that it was the… that it was her… but I don’t want her back, I… I know that she’s…” he tried to look the both of them in the eyes, but his were filling with tears again and he… it hurt. “I’d just like to see her again, is all…”

They both promised, and he sat there for so long that Linda went and sat on the couch while Ella took a closer look at the map he’d set out. He let her, not caring about keeping the divine away from humans anymore. Not that he ever did, but he just didn’t see the point. He got up to do more cocaine, Ella watching him anxiously for any sign of collapse, but no matter how many lines he did, it never affected him much. 

He alternated between planning his attack and doing lines. He’d used a quarter of his first kilo before the sun went down. Ella was asleep on the couch and Linda was staring at him from one of the chairs. He had just looked up from the map and met her eyes. There was a moment of quiet between them, and then Linda sighed. “Lucifer, are you sure that this is the right thing to do?” she asked him. 

“I don’t care about right!” he scoffed. 

“Chloe did,” Linda’s voice was calm, “she cared about right and wrong. She cared about you and all of her friends…” He looked away and closed his eyes, wishing that things were different. “Lucifer, is this what she would want for you? Drugs? Endless planning?”

“She’s _not_ here, Doctor,” Lucifer growled. “She’s dead, and they won’t let me near the man responsible, according to Miss Lopez, on account of my… bad reaction.” He deflated and there was a long moment of silence. “After seeing the urchin I expect they’ll take me to hell, you know… Lock me away…”

“Is that what you want?” Linda asked. “What about Maze?” Lucifer looked down at the map. “And Ella? And Trixie? Dan? Amenadiel? Charlie? Me? What about all the people that you’re about to leave behind?” 

“Amenadiel can get buggered!” he growled. “I… I’m going to ask Maze to look after the urchin… and the rest of you.” He sighed again and looked down. “I can’t…” he tried to say, but his shoulders slumped, and the lump in his throat grew. “She was… she’s gone, Doctor… and I,” his voice was thick, and he gasped for breath. “There is a vacuum in my soul in the place where she used to be and I... Without her, Linda, I’m… I’m nothing…”

“Lucifer, yesterday you were practically comatose!” Linda exclaimed. She woke Ella with her volume, but she barreled forwards. “You wouldn’t respond to anyone and you wanted to… you didn’t want to clean yourself up, but here you are, dressed and acting a little more like yourself.” She shook her head. “You need to let yourself grieve.”

“Grieve… what do you humans know of grief?” Lucifer snarled moving closer to tower over Linda, extending the full force of his presence, almost suffocating the room with it. “What do you know of losing _everything_ you’ve ever known and not being given the chance to think of it? The only reason I am able to function, Doctor, is because I’ve decided to see her again!”

“You can’t kill yourself, Lucifer, it’s not what Chloe would want!” Ella shouted. Linda and Lucifer turned to look at her in shock. Tears were streaming down her face and her bottom lip was wobbling with the effort of trying to hold in her sobs. 

Lucifer sighed. “I’m more than sure that she would want to be alive and safe with her offspring,” he said, but he’d stopped shouting and snarling and had reigned in his presence. “But that doesn’t matter much, does it? Not to Azrael, not to Amenadiel, and certainly not to Dear ol’ Dad!” 

He ignored Ella’s silent shock, not knowing why she was gaping at him. Linda looked absolutely mutinous. She shook her head at him. “Of course Amenadiel cares!” she told him furiously. 

“He took all I had left of her!” he roared suddenly, tears trailing down his face. “I begged him,” he whispered. “I begged him not to and I begged Rae-Rae not to take her, but they wouldn’t…” He sagged down onto the piano bench. “I’ve died to keep her alive before… I’d… I’d die again just to see her once more…”

“Damn the rest of us?” Linda asked.

Lucifer sighed and shook his head. “No…” is all he told her, looking impossibly old and tired. “I’d never damn any of you.”

Linda’s shoulders slumped. “I know you’re hurting, I’m hurting, Ella is, we all are, Lucifer,” she said, moving closer to him, but he wouldn’t look at her. “We all love Chloe, but this isn’t the answer.”

“If I don’t go see her now, I never will,” he said, broken and low. “I’m not allowed in the Silver City and this is the only way…”

In the next moment the elevator opened, and Maze flew out of the doors at Lucifer with a roar. Lucifer had just turned so that they were facing each other but he didn’t stop Maze from beating him up. He deserved it, he had killed the Detective, and he was… maybe Maze would kill him before any of his siblings got the chance…

“Maze!” Linda shouted, sharp and commanding, and Lucifer was surprised when Maze punched him in the gut one more time and then stopped. 

“He let her die!” Maze growled, and Lucifer knew it was the truth. 

“I tried to… Azrael wouldn’t let her go… and I… Chloe asked me to stay with her…” Lucifer barely dared to breathe. He had dropped to the floor when Maze had released him, hoping that she would give him the punishment he deserved. Maze was too much of a torturer to give anyone what they wanted. Not unless it was what she wanted too.

Maze growled and kicked him in the ribs. He could only laugh, because this was all he wanted, and it still didn’t feel like anything. He let Linda coax Maze away from him, but he shifted so that he was leaning against the piano. Ella joined him on the floor and tried to get him to stop cradling his midsection so she could take a look, but he brushed her away. When he looked up, Linda and Maze were hugging, more Linda than Maze, but it seemed like Maze wasn’t going to hurt him again. What a shame… 

“She asked you to stay with her?” Ella asked, her voice on the verge of breaking again. 

Lucifer’s eyes slid shut as if he were in pain. He sobbed brokenly once, and then he forced himself to get up and he grabbed the first bottle of alcohol he saw. He paused before bringing it to his mouth. “Yes,” he whispered, “she asked me to stay with her, said she felt…” His face screwed up and he tried not to break. Not here, not in front of these… these humans. “Said she felt safe with me there…” he finished, staring in the direction of the elevator. 

“That was her mistake,” Maze said, sharp like her knives and it cut through him like one of them too. 

“Yes,” he agreed. A long sigh escaped him, and he held his breath, trying to stop his tears. 

Linda was scolding Maze, telling her that none of this was Lucifer’s fault (a lie, he told himself) and that they were all hurting but she couldn’t take her pain and anger out on him (he wished that she would, but he didn’t think Linda would allow it. Perhaps he could get them to believe that Maze would watch him, since they were so set on him not being alone, and then she’d try to kill him like he deserved). Eventually Maze just settled for glaring at him. He remembered the bottle in his hand and poured a drink. He brought the full glass over to Maze and left it on the table near her when she didn’t grab it out of his hand. He was tempted to drink straight out of the bottle but thought better of it when he saw how closely Linda was watching him. All he wanted was to see the Detective again. He sat at the piano and stared at the keys. 

“You look like you want to play,” Ella told him. 

He couldn’t meet her eye, but he shook his head. “I can’t…” he managed. If he had more cocaine, he’d be able to avoid being a mess like this, but as much as he wanted to be punished, he didn’t think he would handle Maze attacking him again as well as he had the first time.

“You should,” Ella said, “if you want to.” Ella was perhaps the kindest, most loving human he had ever encountered, and he most certainly didn’t deserve her in his life. 

“No, I… I don’t think I shall play for a very long time, my dear,” he sighed. He wanted a drink, he wanted to be alone, but he didn’t think they would let him. 

Ella sat next to him and he closed his eyes. He wished for the briefest of moments that nothing would ever remind him of the Detective ever again. “Why aren’t you saying her name?” Ella asked at a whisper. 

“Because I’ve never deserved to,” he told her like it was that simple. 

“You’re going to get her back?” Maze asked suddenly, scanning the map he had laid out. 

Lucifer didn’t look at her, but he made himself respond, “No, I just… I… I was going to bring her something… from the urchin.” 

“What about us?” she asked, harsh and with bared teeth. 

Lucifer sighed. “After I bring Beatrice back her hug, I suppose you’ll just… do whatever it is you do these days,” he shrugged. “Though, I would like to ask you to keep an eye on the urchin. Everyone else too…”

Maze blinked. “What?” 

Lucifer sighed again. “Beatrice requested that I bring her a hug from her mother,” he said. “If you could look after them in my absence-”

“So once she gets her hug, then what? We go home? We stay?” Maze crossed her arms. 

“Mazikeen, I think you’re underestimating what they will do to me after breaking into the Silver City and visiting one of their precious souls,” was all he could think to say.

Maze cleaned back and looked him up and down. “You think they’ll kill you,” she said. 

“The hopes and dreams of the damned, I suppose,” he murmured to himself. 

“You’re leaving me behind,” Maze growled. She looked like she wanted to tear him apart. He wanted to see her try, at the very least.

“Only because of the urchin and Linda. And Daniel, I suppose… Ella. I thought you were ‘tribe’, Mazikeen. Or has that changed?” He was baiting her on purpose.

“You want me to babysit?!” 

“I want you to protect them like I couldn’t protect Chl-” he broke off with a strangled sort of choke, the kind that caught on a sob and stayed there. He refused to let out his breath, and he staggered from the piano towards the balcony. Once he was out in the night, he let his tears fall, but he refused to make a sound. He heard a noise behind him and snarled at whoever it was, but they didn’t leave. Familiar arms wrapped themselves around his waist from the side. Ella was trying to help him. He kept his breathing steady until his tears stopped. He’d have enough time to grieve once he saw the Detective again. 

“Do you want me to drive you over to see Trixie?” Ella asked, her voice was soft and gentle. 

“No, thank you, Ella, dear,” he tried to offer her a smile, but it was like he’d forgotten how. “But you should go and rest, I think.” 

“You know,” Ella started. “You could still help with cases…”

“Ella, my dear, the Detective was the only reason I even started,” he told her, like it was just a fact of life. “I don’t think I could bear solving crime with anyone else.”

“Not even me and Dan?”

“Daniel wouldn’t want my help, not when I’ve killed two of his loved ones,” he sighed. 

“You didn’t kill either of them!” she argued, pulling at his arm, but he refused to budge. “Lucifer!” she almost groaned in frustration.

“You should go home, Ella. You need your rest, my dear, and we both know you’ll not get it watching over me,” he turned her towards the doors and walked her to them. He pulled out his cigarette case out of his pocket and put one in his mouth and lit it easily. He half thought that he was going to have trouble with it but perhaps his Father knew he wouldn’t be able to handle that, not at a time like this. 

He watched through the glass as Ella hugged both Linda and Maze (though the latter looked terribly uncomfortable). She must have sensed that he needed some time, because she just waved to him and then got on the elevator. He watched Linda and Maze talk, and he watched Maze actually lean into a hug that didn’t come from the urchin. He watched them for so long his cigarette burned to ash between his fingers and the air took on a chill. He checked the time; he needed to go see the urchin. 

He brought out his wings and disappeared, reappearing in Daniel’s living room. He didn’t spend a lot of time lingering, and he found the urchin’s room as soon as he started looking. The light was out, but once he closed the door behind him, he heard her whisper, “Lucifer, is that you?” 

“Yes,” he replied, matching her volume. 

The lamp beside the bed clicked on, and they stared at each other for a long time. Neither of them could conjure a smile. The little girl sniffled and Lucifer’s shoulder’s slumped. He sat at the edge of the bed and he didn’t try to stop her when she climbed into his lap and hugged him tightly around the neck. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly for just a moment when her body started shuddering with silent sobs and he couldn’t stop his own tears for a moment. He didn’t want the urchin to see that he was crying, so he discreetly wiped his eyes as she cried into his neck. If he had known that it would be like this, he wouldn’t have… but that was a lie. He would have. Beatrice deserved one last thing from her mother.

“Come now, urchin,” he said gently when her sobs started to taper off. He rubbed her back as she tried to breathe normally. Once her breath was only hitching occasionally he tried to pull away, but she just kept clinging to him. He sighed. 

She hugged him and sniffled into the lapel of his suit. “Sorry about your suit,” she told him, her voice a little more subdued than it usually was, and Lucifer had to take a moment. He was the reason for this, for her upset, for Chloe. 

“It’s alright, my darling,” he sighed, sniffling as well. “I… I don’t… I’m not worried about my suit.”

She finally pulled away and looked up at him. “Are you… are you sure mommy’s in heaven?” she asked him, and then she wiped at her nose with her hand. 

Lucifer’s throat tightened. “Yes, I… yes…” he told her. 

She frowned at him and her eyes filled with tears, “How do you know?” 

Lucifer closed his eyes. “My… sister took her and she… she only ever brings people to… to… there…” he managed. 

She nodded at him. They were quiet for the longest time, and then she asked him, “Are you sure you can get to her? Maze says you have to always make sure you’ve got a way out if you’re breaking in…”

Lucifer couldn’t help the broken chuckle that left him. “I’m working on that,” he sighed. 

“You should have Maze help,” she told him. “She’s good at that kind of thing.”

“I don’t think that she’d like to, urchin, she’s much too angry with me…” he told her, his voice low. He was more than sure that no one really wanted to help him, that he really was on his own in this… Perhaps he shouldn’t even attempt it, but the thought of doing nothing, of not trying to see her once more was just… it was unbearable. 

“But you _can_ get to her, right?” she asked, and Lucifer knew that she was worried about never hearing from her mother again (she was more worried about what was going to happen to him when he was on his way back. She’d heard Maze say that his family didn’t like him too much, and she was worried that he would get hurt…). 

“Yes, I can,” he assured her. “I can bring your mother whatever you’d like, darling…”

She nodded at him, but she didn’t move from his lap and her hands clutched at his lapel. He had been in a hurry earlier, but now… He’d lost the Detective, but the urchin… but Beatrice had lost her mother… He hugged her to him tightly, knowing that after returning to her for the very last time he would probably never see her again. He hoped that she would remember him fondly, if she remembered him at all. He wasn’t sure how long small humans kept memories. 

Eventually she pulled away from him and reached under her pillow for something. She dropped it into his palm, and he was surprised when her saw that it was a surprisingly thick stack of paper all folded into one tight triangle. “I… I didn’t know what to give to her so I… I wrote a letter. Is that okay?” she asked, a serious frown on her face. 

“Yes,” he barely dared to breathe. “It… A letter is the perfect thing to give her, darling.”

She leaned against him for a while, his arm went around her, and they just sat there, breathing. He hadn’t been this still since the night before, but this time it didn’t feel as empty as it had the first time. If he thought that Daniel would let him see her regularly, he would stay until the urchin grew old enough, but… Daniel would never let him. He stayed like that with her until her hand went slack and he was able to lie her down in her bed with no fuss. 

He tucked the triangle into the pocket he usually kept his phone and closed the door behind him, looking around Daniel’s apartment. He didn’t want to leave but he knew that he must. He had to make sure that he got to Chloe as soon as he could. He was back in the penthouse in a manner of seconds, surprising Linda and Maze (a bit dangerous perhaps, but what did he care?). 

“Where did you go?” Linda demanded. She was going to be mad at him for the rest of his life.

“To see the urchin,” he told her, and then he turned back to his infiltration plan. 

“You should take a few hordes with you,” Maze told him. “Especially if you’re bringing her ba-”

“I’m not,” he bit out. “I’m not bringing her back, there is no way to bring her back. Once a soul enters the Silver City, it’s not like Hell, Mazikeen.” He turned from them and towards the bar where he poured himself a drink. “Eve was different of course, I’ve no clue why, but the Detective…” he trailed off. He was staring off into space, his glass held loosely in his hand, and the expression on his face was one of pure devastation and grief. He would never see her again after… 

“When you’re done seeing Decker up there, you can get a head start back if you break through the backdoor,” Maze told him. When he looked at her, she was frowning and staring at the wall behind him. 

“The back door?” he asked. 

“Yeah, it’s right there,” she pointed to the one part of the map that he’d somehow managed to skip over. He supposed that that was because of all the cocaine. He took a moment to look over his plans and try to adapt them to just running out of Heaven’s backdoor. It worked almost too well, but after just walking in they would expect that he would just walk out again. That was what his plan had been last time… 

“Mazikeen,” he breathed out, more than a little stunned that his plan was coming together. “You are truly the best of the horde…”

She smirked. “Yeah, I am.”

Lucifer stood suddenly, breathing heavily. He held out a hand. “Maze, if you could hand me one of your blades…” 

She slipped it into his hand, and as soon as his fingers closed around the hilt, he was in front of the gates of the Silver City (he hadn’t heard Linda ask him about the appointment with his lawyers right before he shrugged out his wings, he’d been too focused on seeing her again, his Detective…). There was a moment of complete silence before Lucifer stepped forwards. There was no one on this side of the gate, but that gave Lucifer the advantage. He walked calmly over to them, their once shining gold, lackluster now that he’d been to earth… All he had to do was push and the gate swung open. The inside was buzzing with souls, and Lucifer froze. He should have thought about how he was going to find her. 

“Lucifer!” someone hissed from his left. 

When he turned, he breathed a sigh of relief. Rae-Rae. “Azrael,” he said, and walked over to her. “Why are you hiding behind that abandoned stall?”

“Lucifer, you big dummy!” she sighed, and then she pulled him behind the stall with her. 

He pulled away from her and dusted at his sleeves. Was it too much to ask to keep his suit clean for the Detective? His appearance was all he had now that she was gone. Not that he’d have it for long… He was so caught up in his thoughts that he almost missed Rae-Rae hitting him on the arm. “What?” he asked. She was acting like a deranged monkey. “You’re acting like a deranged monkey.”

“I am not acti- You know what, that is so not the issue, right now, Lu!” she hissed at him. 

“Of course it is!” he insisted. “I’m very cross with you and I have something important to ask you, dear sister. I hope you’ll be more helpful now than you were earlier.” He raised a brow at her. 

“Wha- ‘More helpful’?!” she sputtered. 

“You were the last one I saw with the Detective; would you mind telling me where you dropped her last?” he asked. 

“The De- Chloe Decker?” she asked, clearly thrown. 

“Yes, I’d like to speak with her,” he said. “If you could tell me where she is that would be lovely, but I have no problem searching through the city and killing anyone who gets in my way.” He brandished the dagger in his hand and Azrael’s eyes widened. “I’d hate to kill you, Rae-Rae, but I will if you try to keep me from her.”

“You can’t bring her back,” she was looking at him like she could tell he was breaking. 

“I don’t want to bring her back, I… I have a letter from her daughter and I never got to… I just… want to see her again…” he said, and then he looked off into the crowd. And then he blinked. 

She was… right there…

He watched as Chloe Decker turned toward a soul just standing there. “Have you seen an angel? This short? Shoulder length, dark hair, and in a brown cloak… thing?” she asked, trailing off as the soul just shrugged with a smile and walked away from her. She was here… She was here and she was… She was looking for Rae-Rae?

“Detective,” he called out to her, barely daring to breathe. He stepped out from behind the stall even as Rae-Rae tried to pull him even further back. There was nothing that could stop him from at least speaking to her. 

She froze and then her eyes met his, and then, oh, then she was in his arms. She felt like she had the last time he hugged her. Not when she’d died, but… the time before… she fit so perfectly… She was crying when he pulled back, and she wiped at his cheeks as he stared at her. He supposed he must be crying too. “Lucifer…” she sighed wetly. 

“Oh, darling…” he said, he voice raw. And then, helpless against her pull, he kissed her. He kissed her because he knew it would be one of the last things he’d ever do, and he’d be damned twenty times over if he didn’t do it before he was chased out of Heaven. She clutched at him when he pulled away, and he swept her hair away from her face so he could look at her. Her soul lit up the space around them, just like Lucifer had known it would. She was practically divine herself. “I have something for you, from Beatrice,” he told her, suddenly in a rush. “There’s not much time, but-”

“Lucifer,” she hushed him with her hand on his face and he relaxed against her. “I love you.” She said it like it was one of the most important things she would ever say. 

“Chloe,” he sobbed, trying not to break. “Oh, Chloe, I have always loved you…”

She nodded, and pressed her own hand to her heart, like she was trying to tell him that it was like that for her too. Like she felt like she had been made to love him just as he had been made to worship her with everything in him. “You have something from Trixie?” she asked bouncing on her toes eagerly, wiping at her eyes. 

“Yes, I… She wrote you a letter and she… She asked if I could bring her back a hug,” he sighed. “I don’t quite know how to transport those, but I’ll try, darling…” He pulled out the letter and he watched as she stuck it in her back pocket. He wanted to remember everything about this moment. 

“Here’s how you carry a hug,” she told him, and then she framed his face with her hands and looked into his eyes for the longest moment. “Bring this to Trixie for me, okay?” she asked, and then she buried herself in his arms. He held onto her so tight that if she had been in her human body he would have snapped her in half.

“Okay,” he managed into her hair. And then she pulled away. “Chloe…” he started. 

“There he is! Just like Father said!” someone yelled from above them. 

“Bullocks!” he cursed, and then he shrugged out his wings. “I love you, Chloe,” he said, and then he kissed her once more before taking flight. He had to pull some maneuvers that he was a little rusty at, but he managed to lead them in the opposite direction of where he needed to go. He hid and waited until his brothers (Michael and Zacharael) passed by. As soon as they were far enough away, he sped in the other direction. 

He hadn’t been counting on them using Gabriel as a look out. “There he is, Michael!” his brother shouted. 

Lucifer cursed and flew as fast as he could towards the backdoor he knew was there, that Maze had found. He made a dive for it, Michael hot on his tail, and then he broke through the door, sending a silent apology to Rae-Rae about any souls that might escape. He knew that Michael and Zacharael were following him, that they were so close that their fingertips kept grazing his shoes. He pushed himself farther and faster, and once he knew they wouldn’t catch him until he stopped he focused on Beatrice Decker. 

It was still the same night as when he’d left, so all he had to do was get to Daniel’s apartment and then he could have a few moments. He made quick work of the door, and then he slid through the apartment to the urchin’s room. She woke up when he opened the door and he rushed to her, pulling her into his arms.

“Lucifer?” she asked, and then his brothers finally cornered him. 

“Put the human spawn down, Devil!” Michael growled. 

“Michael, please just let me-”

“Lucifer, what’s going on?” Beatrice asked him, making the whole room look at her. 

His brothers stood down slightly. “How does it know who you are?” Zacharael asked, tilting his head. 

“Lucifer’s my friend,” Trixie told them, rubbing at her eye and yawning.

Michael went slack, looking between the Devil and this child. “The Devil doesn’t have friends!” he sputtered, incredulous. 

“Yes he does!” Trixie frowned. 

“Lucifer, I have no idea what you did to brainwash this child, but you should know that-”

Lucifer shook his head, cutting Michael off. “I just… you can take me but I… I have to give her something from her mother…” he sighed, trying not to let his tears fall. 

“You saw her?” Trixie asked before Michael could argue. “You saw Mommy? Did you give her my letter? And did you get…” She trailed off and sniffled, wiping at her eyes again. 

“Oh, urchin…” he sighed, and then he cupped her face in his hand. “I brought it back for you, love…” And then he hugged her has tight as Chloe had hugged him. She hugged him with the same ferocity and then she was crying on him for the second time that night. 

“What the hell is going on?” 

The whole room, except Beatrice who was crying into his neck, looked up at the new intrusion. “Daniel,” Lucifer cleared his throat. “I apologize, but I… I had to give something to the urchin, I’ll…” He detached the child from his neck and edged around the room to her father. “Go to your father, Beatrice, I… my brothers have to take me somewhere…” he said, his voice was rough. She wouldn’t let go of him, though. “Urchin, please…” he begged. 

“Are you coming back?” she asked. 

Daniel stepped up to him and pulled the little girl out of his arms. “So you’re the Devil, huh?” he asked. 

Lucifer’s eyes flicked to his brothers who hadn’t put away their wings. Michael shrugged his away guiltily and then wacked Zacharael in the shoulder so that he would do the same. “Yes,” Lucifer sighed. 

“So when you and Amenadiel said Charlotte was…” Dan trailed off, he was holding Trixie in the absent way that human adults hold a child. Trixie was watching his brothers, but she had a grip on Lucifer’s sleeve that she refused to give up. 

Lucifer told him that yes, Charlotte was up there. “She’s in the Detective’s company now…” he croaked. 

“You saw her?” he asked. 

“Just Chloe… It was brief,” Lucifer sniffled. “I could only give her the urchin’s letter and then…” he motioned to his brothers, and Dan nodded like he understood, but Lucifer thought that he must be in shock. 

“Brother,” Michael sighed.

“I know!” Lucifer snapped. “I know… I just…” He sighed and tried to walk away but there was a small jerk at the end of his arm.

Beatrice was still clinging to his sleeve. “Where are they taking you?” she wanted to know.

“Nowhere you’ll ever have to go,” he told her, detaching her hand from his suit jacket.

Her lip wobbled and tears started down her face. “Are you coming back?” she asked, clearly trying not to break down. 

“Beatrice…” he sighed, and then he detached her hand from him. 

“No!” she cried. “You can’t go!” She struggled against her father’s hold, but he didn’t let her go. “Mommy’s already gone…” she sobbed, and Lucifer looked down, ashamed that he had been the one to take her mother from her. “You _have_ to stay!”

“Brother,” Zacharael sighed. “We’re sorry… if we had known…” He shook his head. “Come on, Mickey… We should… we should go…”

Michael sighed, but then he stepped forwards, clasping Lucifer on the shoulder. “Sorry, Lu… I… I would have given you longer…” he said, and then he followed Zacharael out the door. 

Lucifer’s shoulders slumped. He watched his brothers walk away from him without… He _deserved_ punishment, he _deserved_ to be thrown into hell and chained there for all eternity! He… he never expected that his brothers would just… How could they just…

“Lucifer?” Dan asked him. 

Lucifer’s head snapped to him. “Daniel. I… I’m sorry for barging in, I… extenuating circumstances…”

“It’s cool, dude,” Daniel told him. “You, uh, you wanna crash on the couch?”

“Yeah, Lucifer,” Trixie sniffled. “You should stay… you can… you can make pancakes in the morning…” She was still crying. 

Lucifer couldn’t make himself respond. Couldn’t make himself move… All he could do was stand there and look at the door. They were supposed to… they were supposed to make him suffer… “I… I really do have to be going,” he croaked after a long, long silence. And then he walked out into the night. 

He had no idea how he got back to Lux, just that Linda was still on his couch when he got there. Like she had been waiting to see if he would come back at all. She stared at him as he sat in the chair across from her. She was angry with him he knew. “Did it work?” she asked him. 

He sighed, closing his eyes, living through those last few moments with her all over again. It hurt, it hurt more than anything he’d ever been through, but deeper, like it was killing his soul. “I saw her, if that’s what you’re asking…” he told her, looking down at his hands. 

“It’s not,” Linda said. 

“Not pulling your punches today, Doctor?” he growled. He felt like a wounded animal. 

She watched him; he felt her eyes on every movement he made. “Lucifer, you tried to have your brothers kill you. You _tried_ to get them to put you in Hell again, the one place you promised Chloe that you would never go back to, no matter what…” her voice was measured and ever and it made Lucifer feel ashamed that he had tried to… that he couldn’t handle the Detective’s… that she was gone… 

“So?” he asked, looking away and wiping at his eyes discretely. 

“Lucifer just because Chloe is dead, doesn’t mean that you have to die, or go to hell, or whatever it is you were planning. You can live on,” Linda told him. 

“There’s nothing left of me!” he roared, standing to his full height and letting every bit of devastation roll off of him. “She has all that I am, all that I’ve become!” he slumped back into his chair, all the fight leaving him as soon as it came. He tried to sigh, but it caught on a sob and his face screwed up trying not to let anymore loose. 

“It’s okay to feel lost when you lose someone,” she told him, and then she stood and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

He shook his head. “She was my heart and soul, Linda…” he managed, and this time he just let the tears fall. “She was… All that I… I was hers… every part of me was hers and I…”

“It’s going to be hard, Lucifer,” she told him, and finally he looked at her. “You’re going to feel like you can’t go on, like there’s nothing left for you here, but you have me, you have Ella. You have Amenadiel and Dan and Maze an-”

“The urchin?” he asked. She was the closest to Chloe that he could get, but she… she’d wanted pancakes in the morning, just like she always did after a bad night (like the ones Chloe sometimes let him stay over for or she would call… she used to call him before the urchin woke and ask him to please come over and make breakfast for the three of them. “Oh, just pancakes, or something quick, but you can drive me to the precinct as soon as I get Trix on the bus, okay, babe?” she would say…). 

“Yeah,” Linda sighed. 

“I miss her,” he said. 

“I know.”

“I just saw her, just held her, and I feel like I can’t breathe properly, like I’m… missing some parts of me… I…” he took a shaky breath. “I don’t think that will ever go away…”

Linda squeezed his shoulder. 

(he stayed on earth until Beatrice was grown and had children of her own, sometimes they called him Uncle Lucifer even though they had started to look older than him, Maze had moved on to a different part of the country with Eve, bounty hunting was the perfect job for the both of them since they hadn’t and probably wouldn’t age, Linda, Ella, and Daniel had died, each taking a piece of his heart with them, Amenadiel and Charlie had gone to the Silver City and Lucifer asked them to give all of their friends his best because he would never be welcome there again… 

he had lost count of the years, but the ache never left him, he never felt like he filled those holes that were made when he’d lost the Detec- when he’d lost Chloe… he’d just learned to live with them… to live with the loss…)


End file.
